Skulduggery Pleasant Spoof: Valkyrie's New Pet
by ValkyrieCain4Ever
Summary: So Valkyrie finally gets a pet! Although it isn't exactly what she was expecting. Please comment!
1. Chapter 1: Finding the Puppy

Chapter One: Finding

Valkyrie Cain stood next to the pier waiting for Skulduggery to pick her up.

She stood facing the sea when she heard the bark.

Valkyrie turned around and saw the puppy.

It looked like a baby wolf and had fluffy fur that was as black as China Sorrow's hair with what looked like a scorch mark all the way down its back. The puppy was a little bit smaller then Valkyrie's knee and a strange pentagon symbol in blood red was on its forehead.

But the strangest thing about the puppy was its eyes.

Usually puppies when they were six months old, which Valkyrie assumed was how old the puppy was, had blue eyes. But this puppy's eyes were a black like a vampire's and had blood red lines in them like cracks.

Valkyrie hesitated then called out, "come here boy, I'm not going to hurt you."

The puppy barked in excitement and ran up to her then stopped in front of her, wagging its tail.

It sat back on its hind legs, putting its front paws into the air and whined.

Valkyrie felt her heart melt and knelt down, picked the puppy up and held it out slightly.

The puppy whined and licked her nose

Valkyrie laughed and hugged it. "Aw, you're so cute!" she squealed.

"Hi Valkyrie," a quiet voice said.

Valkyrie looked up and saw her stalker, Caelan, standing on the shore.

"Caelan, what do want?" Valkyrie growled. She was very annoyed with him.

"I just wanted to say hi is all," he tried a smile but dropped the smile when he saw the puppy.

He took a step back, "where did you find that," Caelan said sounding scared.

"I just found him a minute ago, isn't he cute?"

The puppy started to squirm and Valkyrie put him down.

The puppy got protectively in front of Valkyrie and started to growl. Except it wasn't a cute little puppy growl Valkyrie had heard on the internet, it sounded like full grown wolf growl.

Caelan started to slowly back away, "nice puppy nice pup-"

The puppy suddenly lunged forward snarling and started to chase Caelan.

Caelan ran away as fast as he could, screaming bloody murder.

Valkyrie watched for a few moments grinning then called, "puppy, come back here, I think Caelan has had enough."

The puppy stopped then ran back over to her happily.

Valkyrie picked the puppy up and looked at him again.

"What are you?" she said.

The puppy barked again.

Just then the Bentley pulled up and Skulduggery got out.

Then Skulduggery was screaming and trying to shake something off on his leg.

"GETIOFF, GETITOFF, GETITOFF!" He yelled, hopping around and shaking his leg like a maniac.

Valkyrie looked down and realized that the puppy wasn't in her arms anymore.

Valkyrie ran over to Skulduggery and reached down and yanked the puppy off of Skulduggery's leg.

"Bad, puppy bad," she said. The puppy whined.

Skulduggery composed himself, and straightened his tie.

"Where did you find that puppy?" he asked.

Valkyrie explained everything, including what had happened with Caelan.

"Why did he act like that?" Valkyrie asked when she had finished.

"It's because vampires are afraid of hellhounds," Skulduggery explained.

"What?!"

"Yep, this is a hellhound puppy."

Valkyrie stared at him in shock, "this is a hellhound?!"

"Yep."

"Well can you please explain to me how I ended up with a HELLHOUND?"

"Well," Skulduggery said, "when hellhound puppies reach six months old they leave their mothers to find a master, or mistress in your case."

Valkyrie frowned, "what happens when they don't find a home?"

"That can be a problem," Skulduggery said, "hellhound puppies will wander for exactly two days looking for an owner, but if they don't find an owner within two days they go native."

"Native?"

"Yes, native, they eat everything; they burn everything and just literally flatten everything in their paths."

Valkyrie frowned again, "but if this has happened before, then why hasn't the world been burned to the ground?"

"Because there is a way to kill a hellhound, two actually; one is to get them right in the heart with pure silver and the second is to completely submerge them in holy water."

"Well since I can't get rid of him, what do I do?"

"I have never encountered a hellhound before but maybe China knows what to do."

"Good idea."

They got into the car and went to China Sorrow's library.


	2. Chapter 2: China's Library

Chapter Two: China's Library

When they arrived, China was sitting at her desk muttering and cursing as she rummaged through her stuff.

"Where is it, where is it," she was saying followed by a lot of cursing.

"Uh, China?" Valkyrie said uncertainly as she watched China rummage around in her stuff, Valkyrie was keeping a tight grip on the puppy, making sure he couldn't get away.

"Huh?" China looked up. "Oh, hello Valkyrie, Skulduggery, have either of you seen my nail polish?"

"Nail polish?" Skulduggery said uncertainly.

"Yeah I had it this morning when I was painting my nails at my desk and then I- Oh! There it is!"

China knelt down and picked up a small bottle and examined it for any cracks.

When she was satisfied that there was no damage to the bottle she put it down and turned to Valkyrie and Skulduggery.

Skulduggery opened his mouth to talk but was stopped when the puppy burst into flames.

Valkyrie gasped and held out the puppy at arms-length then realized that the flames weren't hurting her.

She looked up, expecting to see the books in flames but there wasn't even a scorch mark.

Valkyrie stared at China who looked surprised to see the puppy then straightened herself.

"I'm guessing you're here to get a book on how to take care of hellhounds?" she said.

"How did you know?" Valkyrie asked.

"Because what other dog can burst into flames?"

"Right."

"Well lucky for you I have just the book. Come." China walked off into the shelves and disappeared.

Skulduggery and Valkyrie followed; Valkyrie holding the puppy at arms-length, afraid that he was going to burst into flames again.

"Hey China," she said hurrying up to walk beside her. "How come the books didn't catch fire?"

"Because I engraved a symbol on each book self so that fire can't harm them or the contents."

"Cool."

China took a book off a shelf and gave it to her. "This is a book about how to train hellhounds. Trust me; you're going to need it. It also has all the information on their species you'll need."

"Thanks."

"You're welcome. Now I need to go find my lipstick I put it down somewhere and I can't find it."

She walked away leaving Valkyrie and Skulduggery with a fire-making puppy and a book bigger than the world dictionary.


	3. Chapter 3: Information

Chapter Three: Information

Valkyrie sat on the floor, cross legged, in Skulduggery's living room staring at her puppy that wouldn't stop setting things on fire.

She had a fire extinguisher that she had bought on the way back in her hands pointed at the puppy.

Suddenly it burst into flames. She turned the fire extinguisher on, putting out the fire.

The puppy continued to pant.

Skulduggery came into the room flicking through the Hellhound Manual. "Well," he said sitting down next to her. "It says here you can't leave your puppy alone for the first twenty-four hours or he'll go rouge."

"Okay, that shouldn't be too bad. I can spend the night here and-" she stopped. "How am I going to explain a dog that sets everything on fire to my parents?" She groaned, "How did I get into this mess?"

"Don't worry I'm getting to that." Skulduggery flicked through a few more pages. "It also says you have to name him in the next twenty four hours also so that he'll learn his name and not kill us."

"Okay, that helps on the 'not killing us' bit but what about the 'my new pet sets everything he touches on fire bit?'"

As if to prove the point the puppy went up in flames again. Valkyrie blew the fire extinguisher on him and the flames went out.

"Let me continue," Skulduggery looked back at the book. "Well after he learns his name you can teach him different commands."

"So like sit, stay, and roll over?"

" yep. Also things that can disguise the fact that he is a demon dog."

"Cool."

"Also there is some stuff we can put over the furniture that is hellhound proof. Don't worry it's clear and magic-based so it will feel like as if there isn't anything there."

"Great lets go get it."


	4. Chapter 4: The Name

Chapter Four: The Name

They had put up the special stuff all over Skulduggery's house, but not before he had gotten some decent scorch marks everywhere. And now Valkyrie had everything she needed. It surprised her that it was just like shopping for a new puppy.

"I mean a regular puppy." She had said to Skulduggery as she took out the chew toys (flame resistant of course) and food and water dishes.

She had bought two of everything, one set for Skulduggery's house, one for her house.

They were going to put up the invisible guard stuff at her house that night. Luckily her parents were out of town.

She poured some water into a water bowl and Puppy Kibble into the food dish then came into the living room to find the puppy chasing a ball across the room, leaving another scorch mark on the floor.

Valkyrie sighed and grabbed some more Protective Plastic; that was what she called it since it felt like plastic until you set it and put on the area the scorch mark had left.

"What am I going to call him?" She called to Skulduggery as she put it place.

"Well you need to name him something that resembles, don't just choose the first name that pops into your head after all you can't change it."

Valkyrie sighed and sat down, her back against the wall and watched Skulduggery wrestle the ball out of the puppy's mouth and roll it across the floor.

The puppy chased after it.

Valkyrie thought for a moment then it hit her.

"Scorch," she said.

"What? Did he leave another scorch mark somewhere?" Skulduggery asked and looked around.

"None more than usual. No, that's his name. Scorch."

Skulduggery thought for a moment. "I like it, suits him."

Valkyrie looked at Scorch. He trotted up to her, ball in mouth and dropped it in her lap. He whined and put his paw on her knee.

Valkyrie laughed and petted him than threw the ball.


	5. Chapter 5: Training and Tanith

Chapter Five: Training and Tanith

The next few hours Valkyrie taught Scorch the basic commands: sit, stay, up, down etc. and even taught him some more complicated ones like roll over and play-dead.

She was teaching him 'flip' when Skulduggery told her to take him to go meet some of their acquaintances so that he doesn't try to kill them later on. So Valkyrie walked over to the apartment building Tanith stayed at when she was in Ireland and walked up to her room and knocked.

Scorch was on a black leash and was wearing a black collar. Skulduggery had told her to keep Scorch in a collar until he's completely trained. "Once he's trained he won't need it but you still might want to keep it so that it won't look suspicious when you go for walks."

Tanith opened her door and grinned. "Hey Val, aww cute puppy what kind is he?"

"Hellhound."

Tanith's eyes widened. "Really? I just got one too!"

"Really?"

"Yeah! Come in!" Tanith moved aside and Valkyrie and Scorch walked in.

A puppy slightly smaller than Scorch with silver fur and a streak that looked like Scorch's down her back; her eyes were the color of a pale pink rose.

"Aww, she's so cute!" Valkyrie squealed.

Tanith grinned. "Thanks! What's yours named?"

"Scorch, yours?"

"Angel."

"Awesome, hey Angel looks kind of like Scorch, well you know, with the same streak down her back."

"Maybe they're siblings? It's possible isn't it?"

"Maybe."

They were quiet for a few moments then Tanith said, "I need help could you help me?"

"Sure!"

The rest of the day they spent in Skulduggery's backyard training their new pets.

It turns out hellhounds were fast learners.

The next few days were spent the same way: training, taking Tanith to get the stuff she needed and walking around getting the two puppies acquainted with everyone.

Ghastly and Ravel were amazed and Ravel kept saying how cute they were. Tipstaff was worried that they were going to have an 'accident' so he had spread out newspapers on the floor that only became confetti after the puppies had torn it up. Madame Mist had seemed to be the only one not to care about the new puppies and even the Cleavers seemed interested. They would turn their heads as the puppies would walk by and one even knelt down and petted them.


	6. Chapter 6: Zombie vs Hellhound

Chapter Six: Zombie vs. Hellhound

Eight Months Later…

Valkyrie was walking her now fully grown hellhound down the street.

The Scorch was now so big that his ear tips easily brushed Valkyrie's shoulder. His had fangs curled over his jaws and his fur was now sleek and shiny. But he didn't show it. He had the ability to disguise himself and look normal so that no one knew what he really was.

Suddenly two familiar figures leaped out of the alley ahead of them.

"Cain," snarled Scapegrace glaring at her than stopped. He looked down and saw Scorch.

"When did you get a dog?" he asked as he looked at the hellhound that now had his head cocked, obviously trying to tell if he was a threat or just some weirdo that smelled bad.

"A few months ago," Valkyrie said. "And if you try to kill me he'll kill you."

Scapegrace laughed. "You wish. No dog, no matter how threatening or scary looking, can defeat the zombie king."

Thrasher clapped.

"Really?" Valkyrie said and raised an eyebrow. "Okay then, why don't you try then."

Scapegrace grinned and lunged. "Reveal," she said.

In the moment it took for Scapegrace took to jump in front of her Scorch's teeth and claws had grown to actual size and his eyes had changed from the dark chocolate brown that he had kept to hide his identity and the streak down his back were on fire.

Scapegrace squealed in fear and jumped back, tripping over Thrasher who had snuck up behind him and went sprawling.

"Wha-what just happened? What kind of dog IS that?!" He cried.

"Hellhound," Valkyrie said simply. "And also I've been meaning to get some practice dummies for my new pet. And well…" she nodded to the two dummies who were staring wide eyed at her.

An evil grin formed on Valkyrie's face. "Scorch," Valkyrie gestured to the zombies.

Scorch lunged at Scapegrace while Thrasher staggered back.

The two zombies screamed and ran away. Valkyrie laughed as Scorch bit Scapegrace's butt. Thrasher was screaming his head off.

Finally Scorch came back, carrying a piece of cloth that was part of Thrasher's jacket.

The two zombies had escaped after Valkyrie had called Scorch back.

Valkyrie grinned and petted him on the head and then went home to go play Wii.


	7. Chapter 7: Talking

Chapter Seven: Talking

Valkyrie stood in the dog park with Scorch, who now only was wearing a collar to take suspicion away that he was actually a supernatural demon dog that could destroy the city in minutes. Or at least that's what Skulduggery said.

She marveled at how the smallest dogs could be eaten in one bit by her dog and how he easily towered over the biggest dogs.

Valkyrie grinned quietly to herself.

Suddenly someone entered the park that made Valkyrie's grin turn to a scowl.

Hannah Foley, her arch enemy, was wearing a hot pink top with sparkly black and purple hearts on it and skinny jeans. Her dog, Miss Sparkles a Chinese Crested (the hairless breed), on the end of a sparkly pink leash with a matching collar had walked into the park.

Valkyrie saw Scorch's ears perk up and he turned to look at the new people.

"Whoa! What the heck is that thing? A naked rat?!" He cried.

Valkyrie's eyes went huge. "Scorch?" she said in shock. "You can TALK?!"

Scorch looked at her. "Of course, am I not an extremely intellectual, and exceedingly handsome, supernatural creature?"

Valkyrie continued to stare. "You can TALK?!" She said again.

Scorch sighed.

"What's wrong Stephanie; don't know what a dog is?"

Valkyrie looked at Hannah and smiled. "No, I was just trying to think of what your dog would sound like as my dog ate it in one bite."

Hannah scoffed. "As if, where is your dog?"

"Right next to me, honestly I can't believe that you didn't notice him yet."

Hannah looked down at Scorch and her eyes went huge. "What kind of dog IS that?"

Valkyrie was about to say hellhound but stopped herself so instead she said, "a mix of Germen Shepard and wolf."

"WOLF!"

"Yep, his mother was apparently a Siberian husky whose father was a wolf. Although I guess that he's also part husky too so..."

Hannah continued to stare.

Scorch's point of view…

The strange pink girl came over with the little naked rat. Scorch cocked his head as the rat approached.

"What are you?" he asked. "Why are you so naked? Did you fall into a hair removal factory or something?"

The rat looked at him and sniffed. "My name is Miss Sparkles; I am a pure bred Chinese Crested, and I am supposed to look like this. What are you?"

"Hellhound. Now are you SURE your parents didn't just tell you that so that you wouldn't know you actually just had an unfortunate accident with some chemicals?"

"Yes I'm sure and you're a WHAT?"

"A hellhound, you know; demon dog, servants of the demons, guards of the Gates of *****?" Ring any bells? And that IS actually what my father is to so…"

Miss Sparkles was still staring at him in shock and terror. Then she sniffed, stood up straighter. "I don't believe you, there is no such thing."

Scorch turned his eyes back to the regular collar, his fangs curled over his jaw and his claws grew. He raised one paw and leaned in close and said in a low guttural growl that didn't seem natural: "Now do you believe me?"

Miss Sparkles yelped and stumbled back.

The pink girl looked down, luckily Scorch had disguised himself once again but had not moved, and gasped. "Keep that demon dog away from Miss Sparkles!" she cried, scooped up her dog and stormed away.

"And that's supposed to be an insult?" Scorch whispered to Valkyrie.

Valkyrie laughed. "I guess so."


	8. Chapter 8: Omen

Valkyrie walked up to China's apartment, the Hellhound Manual in hand. Scorch was beside her.

They got to China's apartment and knocked on her door.

China answered the door and, right beside China, was a jet black hellhound.

Valkyrie smiled. "Hey China, hello Omen."

The hellhound nodded. "Hello Valkyrie," he looked at Scorch. "Scorch."

"Hey Omen!" Scorch said excitedly and the two exchanged the normal argument that they always exchanged when seeing each other. It mostly consisted of Scorch making fun of an incident involving a groundhog, a puppy Omen, and a hole.

It had been on her first trip taking Scorch and Angel around with Tanith, getting them acquainted with everyone so that they don't rip their friends throats out, when Valkyrie first meet Omen.

Valkyrie, Tanith and the puppies had knocked on China's door and were greeted with China, wearing a light green shirt with a black skirt and her hair pulled off her face in an ordinary pony tail. And a small black hellhound puppy, the age as Scorch and Angel, his fur a deep black and he had the same symbol Scorch had on his own forehead. Angel and Scorch seemed shocked to see the puppy and the three had seemed to have a conversation with lots of barking.

The three girls had exchanged puzzled looks. Then Valkyrie asked, "So when did you get a dog?"

"Um, I actually had gotten him a few minutes after you left. He found my lipstick. I saw that as a good omen so I named him Omen. I was actually just about to take him out to see some acquaintances of mine so that he doesn't try to kill them when we are talking business." China replied, than she looked at Tanith. "And you got one too huh?"

"Yep. Angel."

"Ah." China looked at Scorch. "So what did you decide to name yours?" She asked Valkyrie.

"Scorch."

China nodded. "Suits him."

Meanwhile the hellhounds were having their own conversation.

Scorch, Angel and the other hellhound's eyes widened in shock. "Devil?" Scorch said.

"Scorch?" said Omen.

"Devil?" Angel cried.

"Angel?"

The three exchanged looks.

"Well," Scorch finally said. "I didn't think I'd see you again."

"Yeah." Angel blinked.

"Same here." Omen replied, his voice turning to a slight growl. The three had never exactly been on good terms. "And its Omen now."

"Oh. Well, how nice for you. I'm still Scorch thanks for asking."

"And I'm Angel still."

Omen snorted. Obviously not pleased with meeting with them again after so long.

Everything was quiet for a few moments.

"So, how ya been?" Scorch asked cheerfully.

"Fine."

"Did you fall into any good holes since I last saw you?" Scorch asked.

"You really aren't going to let me falling into that pit go will you?"

"Nope!"

Omen sighed.

Angel watched quietly. Omen had never been really nice to her but still, he was her brother. So she decided to do something.

"Hey Omen," she said.

"Yeah?"

"Your fly's down."

He looked down at himself then glared. "Not funny."

Scorch and Angel started to bark with laughter.

Valkyrie and Tanith looked down at their pets and frowned.

"Okay, are our pets having aneurisms or something?" Tanith asked as Scorch slowly sank to the ground, laughing silently. Angel was still yipping and barking while Omen glared daggers at them.

"Okay, we better take them home." Valkyrie said picking up Scorch. Tanith picked up Angel.

"Good idea," China said as Valkyrie and Tanith walked away.

Scorch and Angel peeked around their shoulders and each waved their paws at him as they left.

Back To Present…

Valkyrie looked back at China and smiled. "Just returning the book you lent me. Thanks for letting me borrow it."

China took the book and smiled back. "No problem."

"Are you still coming over to train?"

"Yep, Omen needs to work on balance. For some reason he keeps falling into every hole we come across it seems."

Valkyrie nodded. "No problem. I'm sure Skulduggery won't mind if we turn his yard into a pit field.

China grinned. "Oh, it'll definitely be interesting."

"I wonder if he's going to start squeaking or faint, either way it'll be funny."

"Yeah. Well we better start digging, come on Scorch."

Scorch trotted after Valkyrie then looked back and stuck out his tongue at his brother.


	9. Chapter 9: Pit Training

Scorch, Angel and Omen stood in Skulduggery's backyard, behind his house waiting for Valkyrie, Tanith and China to explain the rules.

The three sorcerers stood on the other end of the back yard, dozens upon dozens of holes spanning between them and their pets. Some were the size of a gopher hole, others were three feet wide. Some were shallow, others were extremely deep.

"Okay!" Valkyrie yelled across the pit field. "The rules are simple: When we say go you run as fast as you can across the pits, trying NOT to fall in. Whoever makes it here first or falls in the least amount of pits win. Any questions? No? Then GO!"

The three took off running, Angel using her amazing agility and grace to weave among the holes. Scorch leaped over them using the strong muscles in his hind legs to propel him over.

But Omen, wasn't having as much luck. It was like he was drawn to the holes, each one he came across he simply fell in.

When Scorch and Angel were half-way, he was still at start.

Finally the two had made it across and landed nimbly next to their masters.

"Good boy Scorchie!" Valkyrie cheered, hugging Scorch.

"Yay Angel!"Tanith squealed and hugged her.

Omen fell into his eighth hole and China sighed.

About twenty minutes and fifty-three holes later, Omen collapsed, panting in the grass, covered in dirt and mud and plant matter.

Chins gave another sigh then sat down next to Omen and patted him on the head. "It's okay Omen, maybe next time."

"I wonder what Skulduggery's going to say when he sees what we did to his yard." Tanith said thoughtfully as she looked over the yard.

"Yeah." Valkyrie agreed.

"Maybe he won't notice."

"Tanith, of course he's going to notice when his yard has suddenly become a danger to everyone who enters it."

The girls went quiet.

Suddenly they heard a familiar car door slam.

"Run." Valkyrie said.


	10. Chapter 10: Healthy Treats

"Scorch!" Valkyrie called, walking around Skulduggery's house. She finally found Scorch crammed under the sink in the kitchen.

A grin spread across her face. "There you are!" She knelt down and grabbed Scorch around the neck. She hauled him out, his claws dragging on the ground as he tried vainly to crawl back into the safety of the sink.

Valkyrie drug him into the center of the kitchen then dropped him.

"Yes Valkyrie?" Scorch asked nervously.

"Time for your healthy treat Scorchie. Now take the tasty treat." She held out a fist sized lump of toxic grossness that was apparently 'good for his health.'

This 'healthy treat' was the source of his nightmares and he affectionately called the 'toxic treats.' Valkyrie may have toxic cousins, he had toxic treats.

And he swore that the treats were ten times worse.

Valkyrie went to feed him the treat but Scorch turned his head to the side, she moved her hand closer but he turned his head to the other side.

"Scorch, take the treat."

"No."

"Take it."

"NO!" Scorch bolted for the door and burst into the living room, Valkyrie right behind him.

She lunged over the coffee table but Scorch darted away at the last moment so she smashed into the TV.

She scrambled out of the wreckage of the flat screen TV and began chasing her very naughty pet Hellhound around the couch.

They found themselves on opposite ends of the couch.

"EAT IT!"

"NO!"

Valkyrie flung herself over the couch and Scorch ran off so that she smashed into the coffee table, flipping it over.

Scorch bolted for the stairs.

"OH NO YOU DON'T!"

Valkyrie chased after Scorch, pounding up the stairs.

Scorch reached the wall and jumped off it to the next flight of stairs.

Valkyrie flexed her hand and she shoot up the stairs, tackling Scorch.

"NO NO NO NO NO NO!"

Scorch bucked her off and ran into another room, Valkyrie cased after him and found Scorch hiding in a corner.

A grin spread across her face. "Gotcha."

She walked over then held out the treat. "Eat it."

"But it taste _icky."_

"Stop being a baby. Now eat."

Scorch grumbled something and Valkyrie took the opportunity to cram the treat into his mouth.

"Gaak!"

"Good boy, now you can go and play outside with Angel and Omen." Valkyrie patted Scorch's head then walked happily out of the room.

Scorch growled as he swallowed the last of the toxic treat, gagging slightly then slunk back down the stairs, through the wreckage of the living and out the door, avoiding the kitchen where Valkyrie was eating her lunch.

He found Angel and Omen playing tug-of-war with a thick rope.

"Hey Scorch!" Angel let go of the rope right when Omen threw all of his weight back, falling back in the grass.

"Hi Scorch," Omen growled, rubbing his head where it had hit a rock.

"Hi guy-" Scorch was cut off as he raced to the nearest bush and threw up.

Angel and Omen exchanged knowing looks. "Healthy treat?"

Scorch managed a weak nod before throwing up the last of his breakfast. "Don't know why she makes me eat them, could save five bucks by just having me eat grass."

Angel shrugged. "Don't know, and when we're finished we can play Hellhound in the middle."

Skulduggery came home, opened his front door and stopped. He looked at his living room then sighed.

Valkyrie came into the room.

"Let me guess," Skulduggery said. "Healthy treats?"

"Yep."

**Hey! I just wanted to say that I am taking requests. If you want something to happen in this story just put it in my review or PM me and I'll try to put it in! Also please review!**


	11. Chapter 11: Bath Time

"Scorch, get in the bath."

"No."

"Scorch. Bath. Now."

"No."

"Bath."

"No."

Valkyrie and Scorch stood arguing in front of the bath tub in Skulduggery's house. Valkyrie was trying to get Scorch to take a bath. It wasn't going well.

She sighed. "What is it going to take to get you to take a bath?"

Scorch thought for a moment. "No more healthy treats."

"Can't do that."

"Then no bath."

Valkyrie huffed angrily. "Then what will it take other than that to get you to take a bath?"

"Nothing."

"Oh come on, there has to be _something_ that you want."

"Well….."

Five Minutes Later…

"Hey Skulduggery?"

"Yes Valkyrie?"

"Can I have your leg?"

"Excuse me?"

"Can I have your leg?"

"No. Why do you need it?"

"Because otherwise Scorch won't take his bath."

"Well make him take a bath. Use necromancy to pick him up. It isn't like when he was a puppy and you could just pick him up and drop him into the water and listen to him complain."

Valkyrie sighed. "Alright, fine."

In the Bathroom…

"Scorch, I'm going to ask one more time nicely. Take a bath."

"No."

"Alright then, I'm sorry I have to do this."

Valkyrie waved her hand and the shadows wrapped themselves around Scorch and picked him up.

"What!? Hey! No fair!"

"Well too bad."

The shadows went to put him into the water but Scorch stuck all four paws out and braced himself on the sides of the tub.

"Get. In. The bath."

"NO!"

Valkyrie sighed, took a deep breath then jumped on Scorch.

"SPLASH!"

The shadows disappeared as Valkyrie tried to hold Scorch down in the water as she grabbed the shampoo. The walls and floor were completely covered in water and soap.

She squirted a bunch on him and scrubbed his fur until they were both covered in bubbles.

Scorch had finally stopped struggling and had resorted to angry grumbling. Valkyrie grabbed the shower head and turned on the water. She rinsed the bubbles off then grabbed the conditioner. She squirted some on Scorch's head and rubbed it all over his body. Once she had rinsed all of that out she drained all the water out and gave him one more rinse then grabbed a fluffy white towel. She scrubbed Scorch's fur until it was dry then stepped back.

His fur was fluffed up and he looked like a black ball of fluff.

Scorch glared at her. "Never do that again."

"No promises."

**Just wanted to let you guys know that I'll probably have a couple more chapters in this story unless I have more requests. BUT DON'T WORRY! This story will be continued in my NEW story 'Skulduggery Pleasant Spoof: The Hellhound Spoofs!' Which revolves around Scorch and his siblings! I am also taking requests for that story too so just let me know if you want to make a request! And Luna Shadows I PROMISE I am working on your request! Just finishing up on it and should have it up soon! Please review!**


	12. Chapter 12: Hit-Man Deluxe vs Hellhound

**Sorry it took so long, but I was working on a few other things. Anyway, here's the next chapter, requested by Luna Shadows, of Valkyrie's New Pet! Also just to let you know, only another chapter or two left of this story unless I have more requests. Review please!**

Scorch and Valkyrie were walking around the park, Valkyrie had a fire-proof tennis ball in one hand and hurled it as far away as possible. Scorch's eyes went huge.

"BALL!" He went chasing after it, splashing through a fountain as Valkyrie laughed.

"Well if it ain't Miss Cain, out for a little stroll are you?"

Valkyrie whirled around and saw Billy-Ray Sanguine sauntering up behind her.

She tensed. "Sanguine, what do you want?"

"What? I can't just go out for a walk?"

"No, because you only go out to kill someone or do your employer's errands."

Sanguine gave a little shrug. "What can I say, I like killing. Now what I am here for, is you."

Valkyrie sighed. "Of course. But you're going to have to go through him to get me."

Sanguine turned and saw Scorch standing behind him, a yellow tennis ball in his mouth. He laughed. "A dog? Little darlin' I hope you realize that no matter how big a dog may be they can't beat me."

"Well, he isn't any ordinary dog. In fact, he isn't even a dog," Valkyrie grinned. 'This was going to be fun.'

Sanguine's confident grin drooped. "What is he then?"

Valkyrie's smile widened. "Why don't you find out?"

Sanguine turned again just in time to see Scorch's eyes turn black and red, his claws grew longer and his fangs curl over a foot under his jaw. The stripe down his back was suddenly on fire and the star in a circle symbol appeared on his forehead in blood red. "Step. Away. From. The girl. Now." Scorch's voice even made Valkyrie freeze up in fear. She knew that Hellhound's voices would change when they were in full-out mode but she hadn't realized that they changed so drastically. Her eyes flickered to Sanguine, who had begun to tremble in fear.

Then he straightened up and said in a strained voice, "you don't scare me, even if you are a Hellhound."

Scorch snarled and took a step forward. "One chance. That's all you're getting."

Sanguine thought for a few moments. "Well sorry, but I need the girl so, why don't we just fight this out."

"Fine with me."

Sanguine lunged forward, his straight razor going for Scorch's throat. And then Scorch wasn't there.

Before he could fully comprehend what had happened, he felt something smash into his side like a bulldozer, throwing him well over seven yards away from his original position. He stood up just in time to see fire flare up around him, trapping him in a circle of flames.

Sanguine stumbled forward as the fire nipped at his heels, driving him forward. He looked up and cursed as he saw the flames part like eager servants as Scorch slunk into the circle.

Scorch snarled and leaped into the air, Sanguine was slammed backwards into the ground so hard he felt the Earth crumbling beneath him. He looked up right into the eyes of the angry Hellhound standing straddling him, his hind legs on either side of him and his forepaws on his chest, those giant claws digging into him. Sanguine's breath was coming in uneven, ragged gasps. Scorch's weight was proving not letting him breathe correctly.

Scorch reared back, his jaw opening, fangs reflecting the firelight, ready to end Sanguine's life.

Sanguine squeezed his eyelids shut, ready for those fangs to sink into his throat and tear him in half.

"Scorch, stop."

Sanguine opened his eyes and saw Scorch drop back to all fours, his mouth closing once again and looking back at Valkyrie who was watching them from the other side of the fire circle. "Don't kill him, he's too amusing to kill."

Scorch nodded then turned back to Sanguine and leaned in close, his eyes boring into his sockets. "If you ever try to harm Valkyrie in any way again, I swear I will tear you apart limb from limb and I will very much enjoy it. Understand?"

Sanguine gave a quick little nod and Scorch let him up.

The flames extinguished, leaving scorched ground in its place and he watched as the terrifying Hellhound once again turned into a slightly bigger than normal dog, in a second and once and step over to grab the tennis ball in his mouth.

Sanguine stood up on shaky legs and watched Valkyrie take the not at all slobbery ball from Scorch. "Good boy Scorchie, next time I want you to bite him in the butt. It'll be fun to watch him squeal like a pig."

Scorch snickered and the two walked away, leaving a shocked Sanguine to seriously wonder what went wrong.

'Probably when I said that we should fight it out.'


	13. Chapter 13: Shade and Ebony

**So for those of you that have read Saving Angel you already know who Shade and Ebony are but this the siblings first meeting up with each other since they were puppies. Please review! And still taking requests!**

Valkyrie, Tanith and their pet Hellhounds, Scorch and Angel walked among the gravestones in the graveyard. They were on their way to visit Valkyrie's deceased uncle Gordon's grave to put some flowers on it. Valkyrie held the bouquet of white orchids in her arms.

"Wish we had gotten here sooner." Valkyrie said as they walked.

Tanith nodded her agreement. "Cemeteries are so creepy at night."

Scorch snorted. "Then why did you two put off going here until ten o' clock at night?"

"Because," Tanith said. "We were busy."

"Yeah," Valkyrie agreed. "Planting water balloons all over Skulduggery's house takes time."

"And patience," Tanith said.

"You have no patience." Angel laughed.

"That's probably why they kept popping them if they couldn't get one trap to work," Scorch snickered.

"Yeah."

"Hey!" Valkyrie said. "It's hard not to pop water balloons when you fill them up so much!"

"Uh huh," Tanith nodded in agreement as they reached Gordon's grave.

Gordon Edgely, the stone read along with his birth and death date.

"Hard to believe five years ago this day Gordon died huh." Valkyrie said as she stared at the stone.

"Yeah," Tanith agreed.

Valkyrie leaned down and put the flowers Echo Gordon had asked them to put on the grave next to the marker, adjusting them slightly. "There, that's better."

"Yep," Scorch agreed.

"They look so pretty." Angel said. "Orchids are my favorite."

"I like roses." Scorch replied.

"Orchids."

"Roses."

"Orchids."

"Roses."

"Orchids."

"Both of you shut up!" Valkyrie said.

"Hey, you sound like me!" Scorch said.

"And me!" Angel chirped.

"How?" Tanith asked.

"Yeah," Valkyrie agreed. "You never yell at us to shut up when we argue."

"Well when we were growing up," Angel said. "We had another brother and sister named Shade and Ebony."

"Yeah," Scorch said. "They argued over every little thing, never shut up until someone told them to be quiet or they bumped heads on something or each other."

"I wonder where they went," Angel murmured quietly.

"Yeah. I was hoping to see them at the Sanctuary but I never did."

Angel nodded.

The four stood in silence until a voice broke the silence.

"Hey! It's my turn!"

"No mine!"

"Mine!"

"Mine!"

"Mine!"

Immediately Scorch and Angel exchanged looks.

"It can't be," Scorch said.

"It must."

The two Hellhounds ran off in the direction of the voices, Valkyrie and Tanith right behind them.

They came to a mausoleum and they peered around it to see two Hellhounds nose to nose, arguing. They were both as black as the night with no other markings on them at all. The one on the right had black eyes with red splotches in them and the one on the left had red eyes with black splotches in them.

"Mine!"

"Mine!"

"Mine!"

"Shade? Ebony?"

The two jerked their heads around to stare at Scorch and Angel, who were looking at the others in amazement.

"Scorch?"

"Angel?"

"Scorch!"

"Angel!"

The two jumped on Scorch and Angel, squealing with glee.

"It's you guys! It's really you!"

"How've you been?"

"Where'd you guys come from?"

Scorch laughed and pushed the one with black splotches on their eyes off him. "Ebony! I can't believe I found you guys again!"

Ebony squealed and began hopping up and down like Tanith on a sugar rush.

Valkyrie and Tanith exchanged looks.

"Uh, Scorch?" Valkyrie said.

"Huh?" Scorch looked at her.

"Who is this?"

"This is my sister Ebony and my brother, Shade!"

Angel was already sitting up again, the Hellhound with red splotches in their eyes shifting from paw to paw in front of her.

"Hi!" Ebony said to Valkyrie and Tanith. "You must be Scorch and Angel's new misstress', nice to meet you!"

"We were just talking about you!" Tanith said happily.

"Yeah," Valkyrie smiled. Ebony and Shade sure were nice.

Shade trotted over to them. "What's your name?" He asked.

"Valkyrie."

"Tanith."

Shade wagged his tail. "I like you, you're nice!"

"Wanna play?" Ebony asked excitedly, getting into a play position, her tongue lolling out the side of her mouth and her head tilted to one side.

"Yeah! Please?" Angel and Scorch gave the girls the puppy eyes and Valkyrie and Tanith grinned. "Why not?"

"Yay!"

The Hellhound siblings immediately began chasing and wrestling each other, rolling across the ground.

Valkyrie and Tanith laughed when Ebony disappeared into a mausoleum and went to come back out with long stick but wasn't able to come out because the stick kept bumping into the doorway, unable to come back out until she finally ended up breaking the ends of the stick off.

She hopped over to Tanith and Valkyrie, tail wagging.

"You want to play?"

"Yeah!" The girls chorused.

Ebony put the stick down. "Let's play fetch!"

Tanith picked up the stick and threw it. Ebony and Shade immediately took off running.

"I got it!"

"No I got it!"

"I got it!"

"No I got it!"

"Me!"

"Me!"

"Me!"

"Me!"

They both reached it at the same time and crack heads.

"Oww…." They moaned.

"See, I told you." Scorch snickered.

Angel then took the opportunity to snatch the stick up in her own mouth and run back to Tanith and Valkyrie.

They played for at least an hour and before they left Valkyrie had one question for them.

"Why didn't you find sorcerers to live with? Don't you go native if you don't find someone to live with?"

"Or we go to a graveyard to guard from unwanted visitors," Shade explained.

"Yeah! Like grave robbers!" Ebony added.

Shade nodded. "When you guys first found us we were arguing which of us get to scare you off."

Tanith frowned. "Why would you scare us off? We were dropping off flowers."

"Because once the gates close we chase off anyone."

"Oh."

"Yeah, I'm guessing you didn't read the sign that said 'No Visitors Once Gates Are Closed?'

"I didn't see one." Valkyrie said.

"It was on the only entrance's gate. And you had to climb over it to get in."

"Oh. Oops."

Ebony shrugged. "It's fine, Scorch and Angel are family after all."

"And we like you," Shade added.

"Uh huh, you're fun!"

Valkyrie and Tanith smiled.

"We'll come back next week and we'll bring some stuff to do."

"Yay!" The Ebony and Shade chorused.

"Bye guys!" Scorch said, jumpimg over the gate.

"Bye!" Angel followed with Valkyrie and Tanith climbing over.

And as the four walked away they heard Shade and Ebony starting another argument.

"Tanith and Valkyrie liked me better."

"No they liked me."

"Me!"

"Me!"

"Me!"

Scorch rolled his eyes. 'Just like old times.'


	14. Chapter 14: Helping Out Melancholia

**So to let you know, this takes place in between Death Bringer and Mortal Coil. Please review!**

"Hey, Valkyrie. Can I talk to you for a minute?" Melancholia didn't look at Valkyrie as she spoke, looking almost ashamed of talking to her.

It was after Valkyrie's Necromancy lesson with Solomon Wreath and was waiting outside the Temple for Skulduggery to pick her up. Valkyrie looked up. "Um, sure." They walked off together through the gravestones, deeper into the shadows. They stopped next to an old mausoleum and Valkyrie leaned against the side of it. "What's up?"

Melancholia took a deep breath. "I heard you have new pet right? A Hellhound?"

"Yes…." Valkyrie said slowly, not quite sure where this is headed.

"Well, I've been having some… _things _happen lately and I was wondering if I could borrow him for a day?"

Valkyrie looked at Melancholia for a long time. "So you want me and my pet Hellhound to play Ghostbusters for you."

Melancholia took a deep breath. "Yes."

"Okay."

"Great. Can you come over tomorrow? I have a special appointment with Craven the next day and I want this taken care of so I don't have to worry about it anymore."

The Next Day…

"So where are we going?" Scorch asked Valkyrie from the backseat of Melancholia's car. She had just picked up Valkyrie and Scorch from Valkyrie's house and they were almost to Melancholia's.

"We're going to Melancholia's house to help her with something," Valkyrie explained. She sat next to Melancholia in the front.

"With what? I hope it's cleaning out her fridge, I love eating food you guys can't eat anymore! I can't get in trouble for eating it!" Scorch exclaimed.

"No."

Scorch's tail drooped. "Darn."

"But," Melancholia chimed. "If you completely solve my problem I'll give you everything in my fridge."

Scorch brightened. "Deal!"

They parked on front of the house and they walked up to the door. As soon as they crossed the threshold Scorch changed. "There is something in here that isn't living." His voice was uneasy, cautious. The atmosphere was heavy in the house and there was definitely something not quite right.

Melancholia and Valkyrie looked at each other, shocked. They hadn't told Scorch anything other than that they were helping Mel out with something.

Scorch dropped to his belly, butt sticking in the air, sniffing loudly as he moved room to room. "It's a man," he said. "He likes to think of himself as strong and preys on women and young girls. But he really isn't, if a real man confronted him he would become much more weak and reserved. That's why he preys on females; they aren't as difficult to deal with."

Scorch stood up straight again, gaze slowly moving over the room. "He knows I am here and is becoming worried as I'm saying all this. Yeah that's right, I know all about you." Scorch seemed to say the last part to the ghost.

"He's running away," he continued. "Trying to hide. Thinks that he can hide from me long enough that I'll finally give up and leave. But I know where he is, I have X-ray vision, I'm superman."

Scorch once again went to his belly and continued sniffing loudly as he went into the hallway, in pursuit of the entity.

Melancholia turned to Valkyrie. "He's odd isn't he."

"Actually," said Valkyrie. "He's being a lot less odd today."

They walked on and found Scorch standing in the middle of the kitchen, stiff and straight, eyes seeing things they couldn't.

"I've cornered him," Scorch said. "He doesn't know what I am yet but he knows I'm not a normal dog."

Silence.

"Yeah that's right, I'm a talking dog. Some say I never shut up, but they're wrong. I don't talk in my sleep."

"Yes you do," Valkyrie piped up. "And you sing."

"Hush now."

More silence.

"Yeah, yeah. I know you're a wuss now shut up and face me like a man."

Silence.

Scorch cocked his head. "You want to know what I am?"

Silence.

"You _really_ want to know what I am?"

Silence.

"You _really, really _want to know?"

Silence.

"You _really, really, really_ want-"

Silence.

"Okay, okay. Fine, sheesh, you don't have to yell." Scorch let his claws and teeth grow to their actual length, the symbol on his forehead appeared and his eyes turned black and red. "Happy now?"

Silence.

"What do I want? For you to get out and leave Melancholia or anyone else alone."

Silence.

"What I'll do if you don't?" Scorch's eyes narrowed. "I will come back again and again, causing more and more pain to you with each visit until you either leave or are destroyed." His voice had turned demonic. The hair on the back of her neck rose and Valkyrie could tell that he meant every single word that he said.

Silence.

Then the atmosphere changed in the house and Scorch relaxed, going back to his disguise. "He's gone and never coming back."

Valkyrie felt her shoulders relax and she smiled at Melancholia, who had gone slightly pale. "Well, you're problem's been taken care of."

"Wow, I thought Scorch was particularly stupid. I never thought he could be so terrifying.'" Melancholia said.

"Oh, you should have seen him beatup Sanguine. Sanguine didn't even get a punch in."

"Wow."

"Yep."

"Hey!"

The girls looked down at Scorch who had come up to them. "I fixed the problem, now pay up."

Melancholia smiled. "Of course, go ahead."

"Yes!" Scorch cheered then raced over to the fridge. "Come to papa," he yanked open the fridge and sagged.

"NOOOOOOOOOOO!" Scorch howled.

The fridge was entirely filled with neatly stacked containers of spinach.


	15. Chapter 15: The Exorcism

Valkyrie and Scorch were sitting on the curb in front of Skulduggery's house eating ice cream. Scorch, not being an actual dog therefore able to eat chocolate, was eating a bowl of chocolate ice cream with brownie pieces. Valkyrie had vanilla with strawberries and whipped cream.

"Do you think it would be smart to hide under Fletcher's bed and say in my demon voice 'I am coming to take all your hair gel and dump them in the Atlantic?'" Scorch asked licking up a piece of brownie.

Valkyrie shoved a spoonful of her treat in her mouth. "I think," she said. "We should get that on video, post it on the internet and email it to everybody we know."

"Let's do it tonight."

"Let's."

They bumped fists and looked up as a shadow fell over them.

"Sanguine, what are you doing here?" Valkyrie said as she stood up.

"Yeah!" Scorch agreed. "Can't you see we're trying to have a _normal _day eating ice cream and plotting to scare the pants off our friends?"

Sanguine raised an eyebrow then shook his head. "Look," he said. "I ain't here to fight, maim, kill or kidnap any of you."

"Then what _are _you here for?" Valkyrie asked suspiciously.

He took a deep breath. "I need your help."

Scorch and Valkyrie looked at him, than looked at each other, than back at him.

"Really?" They said together.

"Yes really," Sanguine sighed. "I wouldn't be here if I didn't mean it."

"Okay," Scorch said cautiously. "With what?"

Sanguine looked around then leaned in and whispered. "Exorcism."

Scorch immediately backed away and began whimpering. "No, please no! I promise to be a good little Hellhound from now on. I'll eat my healthy treats, I won't not chase the garbage truck, I won't annoy Omen just please don't do an exorcism on me!"

Sanguine face-palmed. "Not on you, on my sister."

Scorch stood back up. "Oh, why didn't you say so?"

Valkyrie frowned. "You want us to do an exorcism on your sister? Why us? Aren't priests supposed to do that?"

Sanguine nodded. "Yes, my little sister has been possessed by a demon and I came to _you _because Scorch _is _a demon and I thought that maybe he would know how to get rid of it and I wouldn't have to go through all of the hard stuff of getting a priest to actually _do_ an exorcism."

Valkyrie and Sanguine looked at Scorch, who had the tip of his tongue sticking out of his mouth and appeared to be deep in thought. "I think," he said slowly. "I actually understand what you want me to do."

Valkyrie and Sanguine face-palmed.

"What? I actually mean it for a change."

"Maybe I should go find Angel. Do you know where she lives?" Sanguine asked.

Just then Omen came out of Skulduggery's house and came over. "I overheard your problem and Scorch _can _help."

"I _can_?" Scorch said incredulously.

"Yes," Omen said slowly. "We were born with all the knowledge of this stuff. You know it too."

Scorch's eyes went huge. "Oh, I bet it's in the very back of my mind where I never go. Here, I can find it just give me a moment." He closed his eyes and after a few moments screamed.

"OH MY GOSH! IT'S AWFUL, IT'S HORRIBLE, IT'S…. FILING CABNETS! ROWS AND ROWS OF FILING CABNETS, the horror, the horror." Silence. "Okay, uh demons. That starts with a 'D' right?"

"Yes." Omen said.

"Okay, ah here are the 'D's." Silence. "George Washington? How'd you get in here? Back, back. Go back to where you belong. With the 'O's."

Everything was quiet for a few minutes.

Scorch reopened his eyes. "Found it! The reason I couldn't find it was because it was in the 'Z's."

"Well," Sanguine said. "What do you know?"

"Well," Scorch said lifting his paw so that the pad faced up. "Apparently we demons can fight over the possession of a person much like a goldfish fights for his territory. And we fight by both going into the body of the person who is being possessed. We fight a bit and then whoever loses gets kicked out and runs away screaming uncle."

Everyone went quiet.

"Okay, we don't really say uncle, but I think it'd be funny."

Quiet.

"So…." Sanguine said. "You'll help?"

"Yep!"

"Great."

"So this is your sister?" Scorch asked. He, Sanguine and Valkyrie stood in Sanguine's living room. A girl with black hair about the length of her shoulders sat in a chair looking curiously at them.

"Emily," Sanguine said. "These are some friends of mine that are going to help you."

Valkyrie frowned. "We're friends?"

Sanguine ignored her. "This is Valkyrie Cain and her pet, Scorch."

"Hi!" Scorch said cheerfully. "I'm a Hellhound and I'm going to possess you so that I can get rid of the demon possessing you currently. It's going to be fun!"

Emily blinked.

Sanguine turned to Scorch. "I don't think you should have told her that."

"Sorry."

He sighed and turned back to Emily Just as her eyes rolled back in her head and she went stiff. She smiled.

Sanguine jumped back. "Whoa, she's never done that before."

"Don't worry," Scorch said. "The demon's just showing its self. They'll do that when they get threatened. Or at least that's what my mind says." He turned to Emily. "Hi demon! You probably heard all the stuff I said earlier so I'm just going to skip the formalities and go straight to the stuff. Leave that girl and everyone else alone and leave this place and stay away. Got it?"

Suddenly Emily began to speak gibberish.

Scorch nodded.

"Yeah, no. Sorry, I'm not leaving and if you don' do what I want right now I'm going to force you out."

More gibberish.

"Watch your mouth! That isn't a nice word."

Gibberish.

Scorch nodded. "Okay then, I'm going into that body now so move over. Oh and Sanguine?"

"Yeah?"

"You might want to hold her down; things like this can get violent."

Scorch's eyes glowed and Emily began to shake and thrash, still speaking gibberish and then another voice began to speak out of her mouth.

Sanguine and Valkyrie ended up holding her down after a few minutes.

"Got any rope?" Valkyrie asked.

"Nope."

"What about super glue?"

"I think I have some of that."

Sanguine ran off then came back with a tube. They squirted some on the ground then when Emily rolled into it couldn't break free.

"Fast drying," Sanguine explained.

"Nice touch."

After a few more minutes Emily stopped struggling and everything was quiet. Then she opened her mouth and Scorch's voice came out. "Demon gone from girl but still in house. I give chase."

Emily took in a sudden breath then opened her eyes. "Why am I covered in superglue?"

Scorch took off running up the stairs. "COME BACK HERE, I'M NOT FINISHED WITH YOU YET!" He ran all over the house chasing the demon.

Finally Scorch cornered it in Sanguine's room. "Just a second, I got to find something to hit you with." He looked around for a weapon and ripped the bedpost off the frame and continued his chase. "LET ME HIT YOU WITH THIS STICK!"

He ran into the living room.

"Scorch!" Valkyrie yelled. "Drop the stick and use your teeth!"

"Oh right, I forgot I had those." Scorch dropped the stick and continued chasing the demon until the demon finally gave up and left the house.

"I," Scorch said coming over to the others. "AM VICTORIOUS!"

"Great," Sanguine said. "Now do you have a way to get superglue off a girl?"

"Of course! Living with Valkyrie you learn these things. She gets stuck to _everything_!" Scorch ran over and after a moment the glue melted.

"Yay!" Emily sat up. "I'm free!" Then she slapped Sanguine. "Never glue me to the floor again."

Valkyrie whacked Scorch on the head. "I do _not _get stuck to everything."

Scorch rubbed his head. "Owie."

Sanguine helped his sister back to her feet.

Then Scorch walked over. He held out his paw, pad up. "I helped and succeeded. Now you give me bacon."

**I'm at Subway XD**


	16. Chapter 16: Meeting the Parents

"Valkyrie," Skulduggery said. "Why does Scorch always stay _here_?"

Valkyrie looked up from where she sat on the floor in one of his living rooms, play tug-of-war with a squeaky toy with Scorch. "Because he likes it here, don't you Scorchie?"

Scorch looked up and dropped the toy. "Yeah! Besides, this is my home, right?"

Skulduggery cocked his head. "Valkyrie, did you ever introduce Scorch to your house and your family?"

"No," Valkyrie sighed.

Scorch looked confused. "You have a different family?"

"Yes, my mom, dad and my little sister, Alice."

He gawked. "And you didn't _tell _me?"

"It's only because I didn't know how my parents were going to react when I told them that we had to keep him!"

"Well you should have told them before Scorch grew up and lost his cuteness." Skulduggery crossed his arms over his chest.

"Hey! I'm still cute."

"Quiet Scorch, this doesn't involve you." Valkyrie said.

Scorch harrumphed.

"Valkyrie. You need to introduce Scorch to your family tonight." Skulduggery said.

Valkyrie sighed. "Okay."

That Night…..

"Hi mom, hi dad." Valkyrie called as she walked into the living room. Her mother was sitting on the couch with Alice and her father was on the floor.

Valkyrie raised an eyebrow. "Why are you on the floor?"

"Well," her dad said. "I was trying to do yoga but gave up after a few seconds and couldn't get up. So I am staying down here until further notice."

"Or until he actually _wants _to get up." Her mother muttered.

"Hey!"

Valkyrie rolled her eyes. "So, you're saying he would probably only get up if I said I brought a new boyfriend home?"

"Whoa, what boyfriend?" Her father jumped to his feet.

"See," her mum said.

Valkyrie nodded. "You were correct. Any way I have a question for you."

"What is it sweetie?"

"Can I have a dog?"

"Why would you want to? You already have a little sister. Plus I'm afraid a dog would hurt her."

Valkyrie nodded. "Well remember when you told me I was going to a have a little sister? And you pretended that she was a new pet? Well I want an _actual _pet."

Her mum sighed. "I don't know, Desmond tell her."

"I don't know. Now where's the new boyfriend?"

Valkyrie rolled her eyes.

"Besides, what kind of dog would we get?"

Valkyrie grinned. "Easy."

She walked out of the room and when she came back in, she had Scorch on the end of a leash.

Her mother's eyes widened and her father gawked.

"Honey, isn't that dog a little too big?" Her mother asked, looking Scorch over.

"Well he'd be perfect if any more escaped convicts break into our house and try to kill me."

Her dad walked slowly up to Scorch. "Stephanie, I hope you are kidding that this is your new boyfriend."

Both Valkyrie and her mother face-palmed.

"No dad that is not my new boyfriend."

"Oh good."

"This I my new _dog_ Scorch."

"You already _named_ him?" Her mother asked.

"Yeah," Valkyrie said sheepishly.

"Well," her mother looked thoughtful. Scorch whined and went up to her and licked her on the cheek, his eyes huge and hopeful. "Okay."

Scorch leaped into the air, tail wagging. Valkyrie knew he was having a lot of trouble not saying anything. Luckily she had made it very clear not to talk, eat at the table or do anything that would show he wasn't an actual dog.

Her father was still uncertain. "I don't know Stephanie, having a dog is a lot of work. You have feed him, pet him, rub his belly, take him for walks, keep him out of your mother's flower beds…."

"Don't worry, he's perfectly trained. Watch." Valkyrie turned to Scorch. "Scorch, sit."

He sat.

"Roll over."

He rolled over.

"Play dead."

Scorch flopped over, eyes googley and his tongue sticking out.

Her father laughed. "I should bring him to 'take your pet to work day' at my office, that trick will really show up everyone. Especially Eric Wilkerson with that fancy 'pure-breed' dog of his."

Valkyrie grinned. "So I can keep him?"

"Yes."

"Yay!"

"Uh, why hasn't Scorch gotten up yet?"

"Because I haven't told him too. Scorch, up."

Scorch jumped onto all four paws and looked at them happily. He ran over and licked her father on the face.

Her dad laughed again and patted him in the head.

Scorch scampered back over to Valkyrie and sat down next to her. "Good boy Scorchie. You get to sleep in my room tonight!"

Scorch's eyes went huge and Valkyrie knew exactly what he would say. "You have a _room_?!"

She just laughed at him. "Yes, yes I do. Now come on I need to get some homework done so that I don't get detention tomorrow."


	17. Chapter 17: Beryl and Fergus Part 1

"Stephanie, we have great news!" Valkyrie's mum called up the stairs. Valkyrie ran down the stairs and stopped in front of her parents. "Yeah? What is it?"

"Well," her dad said. "We have decided to go to Gordon's Villa for our family vacation this year."

"Cool, when do we leave?"

"Next week."

Valkyrie grinned; finally she could take a vacation with her family like a normal person. Well as long as no one tried to create a world catastrophe. And then her grin began to fade as a thought came into her head. "What about Scorch? Can we take him?"

"I don't know sweetie," her mum said. "The airport doesn't like pets and I don't think we could find a crate big enough any way."

"What about going on a boat?"

"Dogs don't usually do well on boats."

"Well we can't board him! Do you _see_ how big he is? He'd eat the other dogs for breakfast!"

"I guess we'll have to find someone to take him in."

"Okay mum."

Valkyrie went back up to her room, uncertain. Tanith barely has enough room in her apartment for Angel, she couldn't take Scorch too. She don't trust Ravel with him and Ghastly would be too busy. Madame Mist is out of the question and she didn't dare leave him alone with Skulduggery for ten days. Skulduggery might not _be_ there when she got back. And she was sure Omen would end up murdering Scorch if he was left with China.

Valkyrie sighed. 'Who should I get?' And then the answer wandered into her mind. She shivered but she knew it was the only option.

"Scorch?" she said walking into her room.

Scorch looked up from the squeaky toy he was trying to destroy. He lay on the floor next to her bed with it in his jaws. "Valkyrie!" he said. "I can't destroy this stupid toy!" Scorch drove his teeth back into it and it let out a pathetic squeal of agony but didn't fall apart.

"Because it's fire proof Scorch, remember? Otherwise you would _have _no toys."

"***** fireproof toys!" Scorch said angrily and went back to trying to kill the purple bone.

Valkyrie rolled her eyes and sat down cross-legged next to him, unsure of how to approach the topic. "So…. Scorch."

"Yeah?"

"My parents said that we're going on vacation next week."

"Awesome! Can we go the Bahamas? I've always wanted to see the pyramids of Everest!"

She face-palmed.

"First the pyramids are in _Egypt_. Second, it's _Mt. _Everest. There is no pyramid called Everest."

"How do _you_ know? You aren't a Jamaican."

Valkyrie face-palmed. "And," she continued. "You aren't going."

The squeaky toy fell on the floor as Scorch's jaw dropped open in shock. "WHAT!? WHY NOT!?"

"Because mum and dad are afraid you'll throw up on something."

"I don't throw up easy! I have nerves of steel!"

"Don't you mean 'stomach of steel?'"

"What did I say?"

"Nerves of steel."

"Oops. I meant, I have brains of steel.'"

Valkyrie sighed but didn't dwell on it and kept talking. "Any way. You'll have to stay with someone."

This brightened Scorch's mood. "Oh! Oh! Can I stay with Skulduggery? I want to test out a new sneak tactic and get his leg. Or China! I can't wait to see Omen's face when I tell him I'm staying with him!"

Valkyrie shook her head, "Sorry, neither."

Scorch sagged. "Please tell me I'm not staying with Madame Mist."

"You're staying with my aunt and uncle."

He cocked his head, "You're related to an _ant? _How'd you get to be so _big?"_

Valkyrie face-palmed again, "No, my _aunt, _as in my dad's brother's wife."

"Ohh… so you mean your dad's brother married an ant. Wow your family is messed up."

She rolled her eyes, "But, before I leave I need to at least warn you about them."

"What about them?" Scorch went back to happily chewing his squeaky toy, tail wagging and eyes bright.

But as Valkyrie explained about her Uncle Fergus and Aunt Beryl, Scorch's demeanor began to change. His tail slowed to a stop, eyes dimmed and he stopped chewing as frantically. The toy dropped a few times out of his mouth but he picked it up and continued chewing. But after the sixth time it fell he didn't pick it up. By the time she had finished, Scorch's ears were flat and he was curled in a ball.

"And that Scorch," Valkyrie said. "Is what my aunt and uncle are like; Scorch, Scorch? Are you even listening?"

Scorch's eyes had glazed over. "You can't leave me with them!" he cried. "They're monsters, monsters!"

"Shush….. You'll alert my parents," Valkyrie hissed at the panicking Hellhound.

"Please Valkyrie, I'll do anything! Anything! Just don't let me stay there! I won't even annoy Omen! Or try to eat Skulduggery on his sleep, anything but them!" Scorch begged.

"Look, it's just for ten days. If they become too much to handle just growl at them, they'll quiet down."

Scorch looked slightly hopeful. "Really?"

"Pretty sure. Almost certain. Unsure. They'll probably hit you with a rolled up newspaper if you do."

Scorch whined.

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	18. Chapter 18: Beryl and Fergus Part 2

A week later, the car was packed to the point of exploding with bags of luggage, toothbrushes and combs, and a certain miserable Hellhound that was trying to disappear into the mounds of stuff. He was wearing his old training collar and leash and was making him itch like nuts.

Scorch scratched himself with his hind leg, trying to get under the collar where it was irritated, right when they went over a pothole. He yelped as he fell to the floor and went to get up when they hit another, throwing him back to the ground.

The potholes continued and Scorch finally gave up trying to sit back on the seat and resorted to glaring murderously at Valkyrie who, in turn, wasn't paying attention.

Finally they arrived and Valkyrie ended up literally dragging him out of the car and to the doorstep. Since her parents had said that he was 'her dog,' they had her go up alone and Scorch wasted no time in begging.

"Please let me stay with someone else, anyone else! I'll even go with Madame Mist and not chase her Spider Pet! Just please!" Scorch continued to dig in his heels and lean back, trying to delay his doom.

Valkyrie ignored him.

"Please!" He shut up though as the door opened to reveal a rail thin woman with a hooked nose and a distasteful expression that didn't even dim as she smiled down at them.

"Ah, Stephanie," she said. "So good to see you," Scorch knew that was a lie. "And this must be your dog, it's quite big. What's his name?"

"It's a he, and his name is Scorch," Valkyrie replied icily.

"Suits him," Beryl ignored the jibe. "And what breed is he?"

"German Shepard mixed with Husky and St. Bernard, with a hint of wolf."

Beryl's eyes widened. "Wolf?"

"Only a little bit, from the Husky side."

Beryl sniffed. "Well I hope he is trained."

Valkyrie laughed. "Of course he is! I wouldn't be giving him to you if he wasn't. After all I don't want him dragging you down the sidewalk when you take him for walks and making yourself look bad in front of everyone."

Her Aunt's gaze wasn't amused. "I was planning to have Fergus do the walking."

"Then I don't want him to get hurt and have to on workers comp. again do we."

Beryl gave a stiff nod. "Don't you have a plane to catch?"

Valkyrie smiled, "Of course." She shoved Scorch's leash into her Aunt's hands then ran back to the car waving. As they drove away, Scorch saw Valkyrie mouth, 'Good luck,' at him.

Scorch's whimper was cut off by Beryl yanking the leash so hard it made him gag. "Gaak!"

"Quiet down Scorch, you may get away with stuff with my niece but you aren't going to be getting away with anything here."

'Meep,' was all he could think of.

She dragged him down the hall and into the living room, a man, Fergus, reclined on the couch watching TV. When they came into the room he lifted his head and as soon as his eyes rested on Scorch, widened. "What the- Is that a DOG?!"

Scorch rolled his eyes, he had been through this so many times before…

First:

"What kind of dog is HE?!"

Then:

"How can a dog even GET that big?!"

And finally:

"Do you think he's a supernatural creature?"

Scorch blinked, 'Okay that was a new one.'

Beryl snorted, "Where would you ever get such a preposterous idea? Of course he's not a supernatural creature, that's just stupid."

Fergus narrowed his eyes at Scorch, "Isn't it Stephanie's dog though?"

"Yes, and they are going to the Villa in France so they left their dog here."

"How long will they be gone?"

"Ten days."

Fergus sighed and went back to watching TV. Beryl yanked Scorch into the kitchen then turned to face him.

"First, _Scorch_, we need to establish some rules here," she said, looking down her nose at him. "Rule number one, you are not allowed at the table or around any of the food. I don't want any of your _dog _germs contaminating my food. Next, you are to sleep on the floor, not the bed. You will get your required amount of food when the rest of us eat but you won't be getting any extras or table scraps. Understood?"

Scorch looked at her.

Beryl sighed, "What am I doing? Talking to a dog that doesn't understand a word I say."

Scorch whined and cocked his head.

She snorted, "Fine, I'll let you go." She leaned down and unclipped the leash and he went exploring.

'Man,' he thought to himself. 'I now know how Valkyrie feels every time she has to visit.'

Scorch checked all the rooms, not being impressed with any of them.

Two bathrooms, three bedrooms, a kitchen, living room and a few random closets was his final total.

"What is _that?"_

"I think it's a dog."

"It can't be, it's too big."

"Maybe it's a wolf."

"What would a wolf be doing in our house Carol?"

"Maybe looking for something to eat."

"We don't even live near the woods."

Scorch turned and came face to face with the Toxic Twins. Carol and Crystal were just how Valkyrie described them, Carol was heavy while Crystal was straight as a stick.

Scorch whined and wagged his tail, trying to show he wasn't going to show them harm.

The twins looked at him for a few moments then Crystal spoke, "Mom, why is there a wolf in the house?"

"That's not a wolf Crystal, that's Stephanie's dog."

The twins stared at Scorch like he was made of solid gold then drug them into a bedroom, shutting the door behind them. The room had cream walls and a laminated floor with two beds, one on opposite sides on the room. Two dressers made up one wall and a desk and make-up table with a full length mirror was on the wall with a window.

Scorch looked at the two girls who began to talk excitedly to each other.

"Do you think Stephanie put a spell on her dog?" Crystal whispered.

"Do you think he talks?"

"Maybe he's a magic dog."

They looked at him again and Scorch whined, ears flattening against his head. They were looking at him weirdly and it made him uncomfortable.

"It's okay," Carol said. "We know about magic, so you can talk to us if you want to."

Scorch looked at one then the other then back again.

"Oh, okay."

The girls squealed, "Oh my gosh! He actually _does _talk!" Carol shrieked.

"Do you think he does anything else?" Crystal whispered excitedly.

"Let's talk to him a bit more."

They once again looked at him expectantly.

"What's your name?" Carol asked.

"Scorch," Scorch said slowly.

"Do you have a code name like Valkyrie?" Crystal said.

"No, just Scorch."

"Did Stephanie put a spell on you so that you could talk?"

"No, I was born this way."

"Can you do magic too?"

"Um, sort of."

They gasped. "Show us," Carol said.

"Okay. What do you want me to do?"

"Can you make fire? Can you make the shadows do what you want?"

Scorch once again looked at them one at a time. "Want me to possess one of you?"


End file.
